The other day I landed (as you do) on an article from some newspaper about a family with seven children who had just adopted three more. The three new additions, plus one of the original seven, had Down syndrome. Okay, so that caught my eye but if that’s what they want for their family, more power to ‘em. But there was an offhand comment in the story that stopped me for a minute. Something about how one of the newly arrived children had developed a strong attachment to an older sister, to the point where the older child sometimes had to hide or switch places with her twin in order to get a break from the clingy toddler. My train of thought chugged along the track something like this:
ME: Well, that seems excessive. Should that really be the older kid’s responsibility?
MYSELF: That’s how the Duggars do it. All the older ones take care of the younger ones while the parents, like, blow-dry their hair or or something.
I: That’s also the way it’s been since time immemorial. Siblings did the child care while parents hunted/gathered/farmed/riveted.
ME: Yeah, but this is now. Aren’t the parents right there? I can see a child being required to help, but how much is enough?
MYSELF: How is it different from having to mow the lawn or scrub the kitchen floor?
I: Dude, that’s a totally different kind of outsourcing.
ME: Let’s ask the internet.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
It doesn’t seem very different from other chores, except that we all know a clingy toddler can take over ALL of one’s time, rather than just chore time. I suppose it depends what the family thinks of its other priorities. Should the older children be using every spare moment to study hard and advance their careers and family income? Or perhaps they have less worldly ambitions.
On the childcare front, I do know one large family (all grown now) where none of the older children have children of their own. Only the younger kids do. That may have nothing to do with birth order, but having done a lot of free child care already may have had an effect.
I think that’s just sad if the older one has to TRADE PLACES with a twin to get a break. I think at that point, shouldn’t the parents be stepping in? Ugh.
I guess it all depends on the age of the older sister and how she feels about having to spend so much time with her sibling. Because if she has a problem with it, then the parents should too.
It suggests (to me at least) that the parents had not business adopting three more children, with special needs to boot, if they can’t do it without putting their existing children to work as full-time or even half-time child-carers. Children, who can be expected to do chores and pitch in, are entitled to have time for their own lives, interests and studying, too.
I’m with ewe. (giggle) Yes, siblings should help – but be responsible for, in such a way that the older sibling is hiding? That’s excessive.
( and I may get blasted here but here goes……I find parents in this day and age that choose to have hugely, large families – especially outside of adoption – are trying to compensate for something. Fill some kind of ego void. )
I agree that if the sibling is having to hide to get some “me” time, the parents should’ve stepped in long ago. Helping with siblings is a good idea because it prepares the young person for life outside of the home, whether raising their own children or teaching/caring/dealing with other people’s children. Helping the younger sibling with homework is an opportunity to learn communication skills which are necessary should the child become someone’s manager, trainer, or team leader someday. It also helps the older child with potential family planning, maybe not starting too young, how many, and gives a glimpse of the not-so-glamorous side of parenting. But as with everything, there are limits and the parents should be attentive enough to know when a child has had too much of another sibling’s “attention.”
It’s possible the parents have stepped in, or tried to. Maybe hiding is the parents’ idea. I mean, it’s a better solution than having the older child scream “I hate you! Get a life!” to the toddler. Maybe they figure it’s temporary, and after the initial adjustment period the toddler’s attachments will normalize.
Totally agree that it’s the parents chore to help out when sibling issues are getting complicated to the point that the kids has to hide. With my two sons, I know the younger one drives my older one totally bonkers sometimes and I can tell. So at that point, I usually try to step in and tell my younger one to leave my older one alone for a while.
And I’m totally with Jane.. what is up with these people having nuclear-sized families? Since you bring up that family the Duggars, I think they are not only just weird, but have some sort of deficiency going on.
I agree with all that’s been said so far…thing have certainly changed from olden times when the reason to have a large family was to beat the odds and have some portion survive to adulthood. Also, it was cheap labor for family farms. The role of the child and the family to each other has changed a lot, so in this day and age, using the older siblings as indentured servants to raise the younger ones doesn’t seem right.
However, I am curious about the distinction made by Jane and Kate about large families being more strange when they are biological vs. adopted. Is a large adopted family (marginally) more acceptable because these children are being rescued? Or biological less acceptable because of the world population crisis? Honestly just curious here. I am adopted myself, but my 2 kids are biological, so we have both sides in our family.
Love that title. I vow that only one of mine will, too.
I’m the oldest of five and separated from the youngest two by enough years that I was a bit of a parental figure to them. I think all that babysitting was good for me, and I didn’t mind it at the time. But I also never enlisted my just-younger sister to pretend to be me so that I could have some time to myself.
There’s a lot of bizarreness in the twin switch-a-roo. The time seems excessive, and the trickery just doesn’t seem right.
This sounds almost octomom-ish, the obsessive need to take in special needs kids even when one doesn’t have the resources to care for them. Families need to help each other out, but this sounds a little much.
Wow – what can I possibly add? I love how the Internet is so smart!
PS My mom was just griping about the Duggars and their “poor older kids” the other day. So timely.
Frankly, I’m just amazed that there are so many of you.