Even before Julie posted about the Balloon Boy debacle, I’d been thinking about obedience. Especially at bedtime, I go into Full Drill Sergeant Mom Mode. I bark orders and cannot tolerate anything short of instant acquiescence.
And I hate that. I hate the atmosphere that it creates. And I hate the thought that I am scaring my children into submission. Because not to be melodramatic, but isn’t this how holocausts and genocide begin? With blind obedience? With compliance motivated by fear? From what I’ve read about the Heene family, it sure sounds like little Falcon had reason to dread his father’s wrath.
So no, I don’t want to be that kind of parent. Nor do I think I am. I do still want my kids to listen, to follow rules, to be courteous to me and to others. I also want them to be independent in thought and in deed. Sometimes it’s hard to see where the boundary is. (Stop moving, boundary.)
A week or so ago, Jo was whining about doing her homework. It wasn’t due the next day so she didn’t really have to do it right then and there. But her attitude was killing me. I insisted that she complete the assignment. Then I told her that if she had asked politely whether she could do her assignment another time, I would have agreed.
When it’s not, sayjustforexample, bedtime, I explain to my children that when their dad and I make (and enforce) rules, we aren’t in fact trying to antagonize our children. We are trying to keep them safe and healthy. We are trying to help them be respectful and respected. We are trying to help them do their best, no matter who is, or isn’t, watching.
Come back in about 20 years to find out how we did.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m glad this is what you’ve decided to write about after your week-long absence. I am the drill sergeant. I hate that about me. I wish there were a Drill Sergeants Anonymous.
My husband and I have this conversation all. the. time.
I want my kids to obey me, but I don’t want them to obey people blindly. I want my kids to just suck it up and deal with the pain-in-the-ass that is life; but also, I want them to recognize the difference between, let’s say, doing boring homework and getting beat up on the playground every day.
I’m going to hope that they learn by example.
You know I struggle with the same issue. And I’m a Drill Sergeant more often than not.
Wow, this post really resonated with me. I had, way back in the early days of parenting, thought that a benign dictatorship approach to raising children would work perfectly. You know, if I phrased everything politely but firmly my kids would just fall in line.
Okay, you can stop laughing now.
I am still working on exactly the same things you discussed in your post — pretty much every day. Maybe we can both compare notes in 20 years.
Isn’t it just the kicker that we won’t know which rules were the right ones until years from now?
Ugh. I am too.
You can call me the “bedtime bitch.”
I usually become the drill seargent right before they leave for school, then feel guilty all day because the last thing they heard when they went out the door was yelling