Not too many people even know it, and fewer still dare to say it aloud. But my littlest boy, lost one year ago today, has a name. It was important for me to give it to him, because it’s one of the only things I know about him. He was a boy. He sucked his thumb. His name is Simon. I have no pictures, save a few blurry ultrasounds. No clothes or toys or locks of hair. Just his name, which I whisper to myself at night. I tell him I love him, and that I’m sorry. And that I wish he could come back to me. I call him by his name.
The name is one that was rattling around in my head during those few short months I had with him. It amused me that it is one of only two that I happen to know my late grandmother hated … and the other one is Opie’s name. A friend mentioned it just a few days before everything started to fall apart, which I suppose is why it kept coming to mind during that awful time.
After he was gone, I thought about what I wanted for his name. I like Gabriel; maybe an angel name would be right. Or one of the boy names I loved but my husband didn’t, like Theodore. Did I want something common, so I could hear it often and think of him? Did I want something unusual, so I wouldn’t have to be reminded so very often (I know now that doesn’t matter; I think of him constantly, reminders or not)? Did it need to match my other children’s names, or not really?
In the end, Simon kept coming up, so Simon it was. Is.
For months, he didn’t have a middle name. I’ve always liked the family name Anton, but didn’t quite dare use it. It doesn’t work with Simon, but Anthony does. Then I learned that January 17 was St. Anthony’s Day. Anthony was a protégé of St. Francis of Assisi (I loved the Franciscans at my parish in Manhattan, and they are known worldwide for their work on poverty and human rights issues). Anthony is often depicted holding a little boy–the baby Jesus–in his arms. And he is the patron saint of lost items.
My Simon Anthony is not an “item,” but he is surely lost, as am I without him.
The sea obeys and fetters break
And lifeless limbs thou dost restore
While treasures lost are found again
When young or old thine aid implore.
—Responsory of St. Anthony


{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry about your heartache. I know it too.
Simon Anthony is an absolutely lovely name. (hugs)
I’m sorry that you don’t have your little Simon to hold this day. My thoughts are with you and your family – all of them.
Oh, my heart. Your Simon.
Thinking of you. And Simon.
I believe that the post you did right after you lost Simon was the first time I visited you here. Hugs to you today; I’m thinking about you.
Heartbreaking post, beautifully written. I’m so sorry for your sadness.
What a beautiful post! Oh, how important the name is when that’s all you have to hold on too. It gave me the chills when Iread how perfect the name Simon Anthony came to be… just perfetct.
Thinking of you on this day. Sending you hugs!
Oh, Mayberry, I have thought of you and your lost Simon (whose name I didn’t know) many times over this past year. I’m so sorry for your pain, and think you shared something beautiful with all of us in this post.
Poignantly put. Thank you for sharing Simon with us.
Thinking of you & Simon Anthony.
I’m glad I know his name. I’ll make sure I use it properly in my prayers. Thinking of all of you.
Much love to you and your Simon Anthony.
I’m speaking his name today too. Simon Anthony, your mom loves you very much and we love her all that much more for it.
Oh I’m so sorry. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post. Thinking of you.
I love the name Simon.
Thinking of you and sending hugs…..
I am glad you shared this. The anniversary is no doubt hard, but I appreciate learning why you named him what you did.
He has a beautiful name and a beautiful mommy. Hugs to you always.
lovely post. lovely name. thinking of you.
I like the image of St. Anthony holding a child, as it could be yours as much as it could be Mary’s. I do wish, however, that he was in your arms. I am so sorry.
What a beautiful, heart-breaking post.
Oh, Mayberry. I’m so sorry.
Simon is a beautiful name. Thank you for sharing this story.
I admit to barely ever reading your blog, but I have been thinking of you this time of year (and thought to read up on the blog). I concur with all of the above comments. Let’s talk soon.
Thank you for sharing his name, and it is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss and wish peace for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a late miscarriage, not the same thing, I know. But in my heart that baby’s name was Simon also. {{{hugs}}}
Simon Anthony. It’s a beautiful name.
I’m always thinking of you.
Simon Anthony is a beautiful name. This post makes me ache.
{{hugs}}
Thank you for sharing…xx
Mine was Marin.