Communique from Kid Agent 004

Kids of the World:

The information I am about to reveal may shock you. It may amaze you and anger you. It may, in fact, confirm your own suspicions.

Through careful observation, sophisticated information-gathering technology, and top-secret intelligence techniques, I have answered the question that children have been asking for generations.

What happens after kids go to bed? There’s a reason we are being held prisoner in our bedrooms, isn’t there? I know there is.

Kids of the world, I must answer with an emphatic yes. My investigation has revealed the following practices by our parents:

• Consumption of contraband foods, including but not limited to desserts and candy, multiple servings thereof; chips; French fries; and other so-called “not good for you” items (In fact, “not good for kids” seems to be code for “just fine for adults especially in large quantities.”)
• Consumption of contraband beverages (including a substance that looks remarkably like grape juice but most certainly doesn’t taste like it)
• Consumption of said items while sitting on the good furniture
• Watching of television, including entire movies
• “Working” on the computer (alleged)
• Use of the so-called “work” telephone for game-playing
• Telephone conversations which we children have no ability to intercept or interrupt
• Bathroom visits which we children have no ability to intercept or interrupt

Kids of the world, I urge you to conduct your own investigations into these sinister practices. Share your results using the UnderPlayGround Network. Plans to defeat these unfair bedtime restrictions are underway. Stay tuned for further instruction.